LEVITTOWN FALLS — The future arrived at the Tri-County Fair on Saturday, and it made toast. Westinghouse's new Li'l Sunshine™ countertop reactor — no larger than a breadbox, no quieter than one either — browned a slice of Wonder Bread in four-tenths of a second before a crowd of two thousand, several of whom report they can still see it when they close their eyes. This reviewer awards four stars.
"The crusts glow just a little, which the children love," said Mrs. Donna Pfeiffer of Maple Court, whose family won a floor unit by correctly guessing the number of control rods in a jar. The Pfeiffers join an estimated 40,000 households enjoying the company's Now With Atoms!® product line, which spans 340 items including toothpaste, girdles, and a crib mobile that rocks itself and, occasionally, the crib.
Federal officials were quick to celebrate. "This administration believes the atom belongs in every American kitchen," announced Commissioner Dale Ruggles of the Bureau of Enthusiasm, the agency created last spring when the Bureau of Caution was found to be slowing things down. Asked about oversight, Ruggles held up the safety pamphlet and noted it doubles as shielding.
Competition is heating up, in the industry's preferred phrasing. General Electric confirmed its rival countertop unit, the Fissionaire™, will launch by Christmas with a self-stirring saucepan attachment, while Frigidaire teased something called the Icebox Paradox that executives described only as "cold, eventually." Wall Street analysts expect atomic countertop sales to double every quarter until further notice, or notice becomes impossible.
As for the toast itself: crisp, even, faintly luminous — the best this reporter has ever eaten standing in a designated viewing trench. My watch now winds itself, my hat fits differently, and I say this is progress. Four stars, once more, from a safe and shrinking distance.
