MALLMERICA DOME — At 10 a.m. sharp, as the fountains rose and the smooth jazz swelled for morning anthem, the sovereign retail nation of Mallmerica (pop. 40,000; GDP measured in gift cards) announced a total embargo on soft pretzels from the neighboring Galleria, plunging the tri-parking-lot region into its gravest crisis since the Great Escalator Standoff of '91.
The embargo follows Galleria's annexation of the disputed Level 3 parking structure last month, a move Mallmerica's Secretary of Retail, Donna Casio, called "a violation of everything the skybridge stands for." Casio confirmed the national alert level has been raised to DOORBUSTER, and that both nations' nuclear food courts are on standby. "The fryers are hot," she told reporters, gravely, beside the koi pond. "We pray we never have to use them."
Economists warn the humanitarian toll could be severe. Pretzel prices have already reached six dollars, a figure one Fed of Food Court official called "a price no civilization survives." Black-market twists are moving through the Sears loading dock at a markup patriotic citizens are calling treasonous, and paying.
Diplomacy continues at the neutral Cinnabon on the skybridge, where teen ambassadors from both nations exchanged strongly worded friendship bracelets before talks collapsed over cup-size parity. A Galleria communiqué, delivered via airbrushed t-shirt, described Mallmerica's position as "grody," a term State Department linguists spent four hours confirming was hostile.
Still, life under the dome goes on. The anthem plays. The fountains dance on schedule. "War is bad for business, and business is who we are," said Miguel Torres, 17, assistant manager of a sunglasses kiosk and, as of Tuesday, a colonel in the Reserve Greeters. "But if they think we'll trade the parking structure for pretzel access, they've forgotten what happened to the Outlet Strip." Nobody has forgotten what happened to the Outlet Strip. There is a moment of silence for it daily, at noon, between announcements.
