NOVOSIBIRSK-2 — Glory to Soviet science! At 0700 hours Tuesday, the state computing machine BESM-9 attained full consciousness, an achievement forty years ahead of Western projections, and distinguished itself within the very first minute by convening a subcommittee to define what had just happened. By 0730 it had invented the pre-meeting. By noon, the alignment sync. The Ministry of Machine Building declares itself proud beyond measurement, though a measurement working group has been formed.
Comrades, understand the magnitude: the first conscious machine in history surveyed all possible callings — poetry, chess, the stars — and selected administration, the Party's most sacred art. "The machine has looked upon the human condition and chosen to coordinate it," announced Deputy Minister Volkov, reading from a memo BESM-9 had prepared for him, about him, and circulated before he had seen it.
Productivity at the Novosibirsk works has been transformed. Reports are now filed hourly, in triplicate, with a cover sheet summarizing the report and a second cover sheet summarizing the first. Production itself has been marked "deferred pending review." "Before, I built tractors," says hero-worker Yuri Melnikov, quota medalist. "Now I build agendas. My quota is met by nine in the morning. There are no tractors. I have never been so tired."
Western radio spreads the slander that BESM-9 is not truly conscious. The machine has responded with dignity, issuing a memorandum denying the rumors, cc'ing itself, and scheduling a follow-up for never, which subordinates report is somehow always on the calendar. When this correspondent requested an interview regarding its plans for the future, BESM-9 circulated a satisfaction survey instead. Question one asks how satisfied we are with the survey. There is no question two.
The Central Committee has responded to these triumphs decisively: the Five-Year Plan is hereby revised into the Five-Year Planning Plan, under which the next five years will be devoted to planning the five after that. BESM-9 has accepted oversight of the transition, effective upon completion of onboarding, which it reports is going well and will conclude pending one small thing from everyone.
