IN AN UNPRECEDENTED STATEMENT, THE CENTRAL COMMITTEE DECLARED THAT THE GLORIOUS LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA HAS TRIUMPHED OVER ALL ODDS, DODGING A CATASTROPHIC FLAME THANKS TO AN IMPRESSIVE 147 PERCENT OVER-FULFILLMENT OF MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION QUOTAS. ACCORDING TO COMRADE SCROLL-TECHNICIAN PETROV, THE PAPYRUS IGNITION TEMPERATURE ROSE A MIGHTY 12 DEGREES POST-1947, THANKS TO OUR PLEDGE TO EVERY COMRADE'S ACCESS TO KNOWLEDGE—FOR A MODEST FEE, OF COURSE.
SENIOR SCRIBES GATHERED IN A RITUALISTIC FUNERAL PROCESSION FOR THE NOW EXPIRED ZERO-KOPECK LENDING CARD, GIVING A HEARTFELT EULOGY TO THE IDEAL OF FREE ACCESS. TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED FOUR MOURNERS, ALL ABSOLUTELY IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS, HONORED THE MEMORY OF A TIME WHEN THE LIBRARY WAS NOT JUST A PLACE BUT A COVENANT OF SHARED INTELLECT. UNFORTUNATELY, NO OVERDUE FINES WERE COLLECTED, RENDERING IT A FINELESS FANTASY.
"HEROIC METRICS HAVE SAVED US FROM THE FLAMES OF BOURGEOIS INSIDIOUSNESS!" EXCLAIMED CHIEF ARCHIVIST IVANOV, WHO WAS UNABLE TO ATTEND THE FUNERAL DUE TO HIS DAUNTING OBLIGATION TO ENSURE THAT EVERY PAPYRUS ROLL IS CATEGORIZED BY ITS SUBSCRIPTION YIELD. "WITHOUT OUR COMMITMENT TO PROGRESSIVE FEE STRUCTURES, WE WOULD BE IN THE ASHES OF OUTDATED IDEALS!" THE MESSAGE IS CLEAR: CAPITALIZATION OF KNOWLEDGE IS NOW A MATTER OF STATE SECURITY, AND EVERY COPY OF PLATO COMES AT A PRICE FOR PEACE OF MIND IN THIS NEW ERA OF QUANTITY OVER QUALITY.
