In a proclamation delivered from the Bureau of Intergalactic Communication Efficiency, Commissar Reginald Thackeray-Voltaire announced that an astonishing 47.3 trillion coupon books reached the esteemed Meridian Halo addresses in the second quarter of this year. Meanwhile, personal letters continue to languish indefinitely in what officials describe as 'secondary void allocation.'
'Our heroic workers at Titanium Press Collective No. 7 have exceeded their targets by 800 percent, with rigid commitment to the propagation of promotional literature,' Thackeray-Voltaire declared, his tone as rigid as the steel of the sorting plazas themselves. In a daring editorial shift, he assured the populace that personal correspondence would be attended to in due time—an assurance accompanied by 93 more pages of statistics to confirm the prioritization of junk mail.
In an ironic development, citizens report that doorway-height concrete sorting plazas now exclusively process ash-pale recipients’ advertising circulars, constructed beneath imposing eight-foot steel arches nodding sagely to the workers’ dedication. 'We understand there may be concerns regarding personal messages,' Thackeray-Voltaire continued, 'however, we must remain committed to our quotas. Efficiency demands sacrifice.'
Henceforth, all individuals seeking to boisterously send personal sentiment are encouraged to reconsider their goals, as the ineffable void appears significantly more adept at absorbing heartfelt gestures than fulfilling them. The cosmic post has never been more saturated, yet individual letters remain absent—a sign of modern postal progress.
