The Commerce Department declared the Strait of Hormuz Atmospheric Adjustment a success after eight nights of misty irradiance. Sales of canned ham have skyrocketed, with the new 'Patriot Pink' label now on over 47% of dinner tables in irradiated regions. These hams shine for 47 minutes after purchase.
Local families praised the benefits. Geraldine Tinsworth noted, "Our fallout-shelter pantry is now a gourmet deli! The mist-cured ham needs no refrigeration for 18 months, so my husband and I can stock flavors while ignoring that espresso machine."
Commerce Secretary Milton R. Glowbucket told a town hall that 312 vessels entered the glowing zone for bulk discounts. "An irrational but calculated move for the economy," he said, overlooking reports of mild luminescence and humming show tunes.
The adjustment raises further questions about irradiated commerce. Families watch with eyes open and appetites intact, tasting the smoky edge of progress.
