This week, the Consumer Apocalypse Ratings Bureau (CARB) released its annual report on apocalypse amenities, revealing that consumer satisfaction is plummeting faster than bunker supplies. With shortages now rampant, facilities meant to provide safety and comfort have been found lacking, most notably in the category of Wi-Fi. This essential service has been rated just 2.5 stars, leading many citizens to question their decision to hoard routers instead of more conventional protective measures.
"Without reliable internet, how am I supposed to stream my survival tutorials?" lamented local bunker owner Gerald Mudd, who has experienced a frustrating 22-minute delay just to connect to his favorite doomsday podcasts. Mudd's sentiments are echoed across the country as the tariffs on Canadian router imports have left many desperate for connection in their underground enclaves.
A frequently cited grievance also includes wait times for the Maple Syrup Rationing Hotline, which currently hovers around a staggering 45 minutes. Many citizens report that the soothing tones of elevator music only drive home the irony of rationing their beloved sticky sustenance in the face of modern collapse.
Amid the chaos, homeowners associations have tightened regulations, mandating three forms of paperwork be submitted to request emergency generator fuel. HOA President Connie Fairweather stated, "We simply must maintain order during these turbulent times. No one wants to deal with a litigious neighbor in the dark!" As the world grapples with its new normal, it's clear that even the end of civilization has its share of bureaucratic hurdles.
