In a bold move, the U.S. Department of Commerce has announced the 'Sustained Commerce Accord,' mandating that all Canadian imports traverse the border exclusively via ox cart. Commerce Secretary Harold Grumbler hailed the initiative as an innovative economic safeguard, noting that the average transport time of 142 days would foster 'relationship-building intervals' between American diners and their Canadian suppliers, resulting in a staggering 19% boost in roadside diner revenues.
The initiative follows a successful pilot program in North Dakota, where eleven ox convoys were turned back at the border after exceeding a blistering 2.3 miles per hour. 'We have seen zero instances of speculative foreign acceleration,' claimed Chief Oxenveyor Miriam Stumpf, who described the lengthy waiting periods as 'purely strategic.' Each slowdown, according to Stumpf, represents a measurable gain for the nation, with future projections estimating 47 new county-fair-style inspection stations to be operational by 2028.
Local officials are keen to embrace the ox-led economy, with many cities gearing up for increased traffic congestion from slow-moving caravans. 'This is about creating jobs for walking-path inspectors,' stated Deputy Inspector Benjamin Treadwell, enthusiastically detailing the expected creation of 2,800 positions, which he assured would promote an active lifestyle among inspectors. Meanwhile, residents are left pondering the practicalities of a multi-month wait for their maple syrup shipments.
Local diner owner Lucy Beeblatter noted the charm of waiting months for syrup, saying the pace suits her establishment's slow-cooked menu.
