Dr. Marcus Hale of the National Science Foundation announced that the 50% tariff on Canadian imports has created a closed labor loop, barring retirement from America’s workforce. Dr. Hale explained, "The tariff raised the Planck-constant job density to unprecedented levels, inhibiting any nucleation of retirement as a concept. Each day, more employees simply continue working indefinitely."
The Lifelong Labor Bureau has mandated quarterly 'promotion' audits after 14,000 on-site transitions, with fatalities at fulfillment centers rebranded as 'permanent promotions' amid supply chain collapse. Spokesperson Carla Wiggins explained, "This policy ensures our senior workforce, now predominantly 94 and older, remains an invaluable resource for productivity and wisdom."
The Department of Motor Vehicles now issues gold defibrillator watches stamped 'Tariff Continuity Model 2026' to clerks aged 87 and up. Local clerk Harold Jenkins, after 54 years in customer service, stated, "Honestly, I’m just waiting to see if they throw in a free coffee machine with these watches. Retirement might mean idle napping, and I hear the nap wings at the office are really quite something!"
