The Exact Words Accord now forces every official utterance into rigid literalism. One Pentagon algorithm treats the word "strike" as an automatic order, sending 3,200 troops to a Delaware intersection whose only prior claim to fame was a cluster of unrepaired craters.
Defense spokesmen next declared readiness for any "sticky situation," instantly freezing maple-syrup futures as traders refused to risk another literal reading. Breakfast supplies, already thinned by last week’s flap, face fresh shortages.
DMV Director Clara P. Caution ordered sirens wired to every new bulletin so residents hear the precise wording of each pothole or syrup update. "We must be vigilant in times of utter clarity," she said.
Resident Bob F. Literal watched armored vehicles ring his block. "I asked for a patch on the street, not an infantry brigade. At least the syrup might return."
