In an unexpected move resembling the quiet demolition of an abandoned shopping mall, the National Morning Meal Standards Board (NMMBSB) has been defunded, marking the end of its 213-year reign over reheated leftovers as breakfast fare. The final chair, Dr. Eleanor Briggs, delivered her last report in 2024, showcasing the staggering 3.2 million tons of last night's meatloaf dutifully reheated to precisely 165°F in compliance with federal guidelines.
The agency's staff of 47 will now be reassigned to the Department of Reheated Side Dishes, maintaining their GS-13 pay grades, much to the relief of the Dinner-for-Breakfast Caucus. "We have worked tirelessly to ensure that meatloaf meets its full potential as morning sustenance," stated former board member, Timothy P. Leftover, as he packed up his desk filled with 48 different varieties of cold gravy packets.
Originally housed in a windowless annex in Silver Spring, the board's headquarters still proudly displayed a 1978 organizational chart for 'cereal-box liner compliance'—a testament to its historical inertia. Despite administrative decay, it persisted through phantom budgets and meticulous meetings about the viscosity of morning gravy, which now languishes as the sole remnant of a bygone era of bureaucratic excess.
Survived only by the Interagency Reheating Protocol Working Group and a $2.4 million line item for ongoing gravy viscosity studies, the NMMBSB's demise leaves citizens of this meatloaf nation to navigate a lifetime of last-night's dinners without federal reheating charts.
