U.S. Treasury Secretary Eleanor Romicus declared victory over Canadian dairy tariffs by reclassifying every import entry as a Roman-numeral surplus. A CDXLVIII million gallon shortfall became a recorded gain of MMDCCCLXXII gallons, even though none of the product arrived.
Romicus spoke before a chalkboard crowded with ascending numerals. "Numbers will no longer be permitted to suggest scarcity," she said. Negative entries now count as felonies, and rounding downward risks confiscation of the abacus.
Dairy farmers collected plaques for surpluses they had not shipped. "Positive thinking fills the barn faster than any truck," said Hank Wile. Store coolers stayed empty while the ledgers glowed with invented abundance.
The policy invites a simple question for households: if deficits can be renamed gains, can unpaid bills become assets? Officials have not yet issued the conversion table.
