The National Melee Commission has begun auctioning elbow priority permits at refinery checkout counters nationwide, printed on the backs of expired deli tickets. Crude prices have crossed $100 a barrel as traders compete for position.
Energy Secretary Tilda Grumble addressed reporters beside an overturned velvet rope. "Market participation proves melee engagement is civic duty," she said while footage looped of the commission's slogan, "Shove for Success." She added that indicators show the system works as intended.
Refineries have introduced ExxonMobil's "First Forearm" program, logging 3,812 successful shoves per barrel. Chad Scuffle, heading the effort, elbowed a reporter aside and called it a grassroots movement of real Americans getting their elbows dirty. Greater disorder now drives higher costs and more expired tickets into circulation.
The barrels of crude weigh less than the forearms securing them at the counters.
