The Federal Trade Commission opened a sweeping inquiry into European Union curtain opacity tariffs after American textile companies logged repeated humming compliance shortfalls. FTC Spokesperson Al Woven calibrated his enter-humming meter and declared the agency would enforce minimum opacity standards from international pacts.
Agency logs recorded 312 fabric-rustling episodes during closed-curtain hearings, each breaching the precise decibel bands required for polite entry. Woven stressed the need to uphold social contracts and waved away suggestions that fabric tweaks alone could erode national privacy benchmarks.
A fresh tariff chart lists exact decibel allowances tied to fabric weight. An internal memo noted 14-day blackout-curtain delays have stalled 47 federal lobbies and slowed legislation continent-wide. Local curtain hobbyist Mildred T. Veil called the lapses a direct threat to humming rituals and household seclusion.
Analysts warn that sustained violations may produce a fabric-free trade corridor, shredding cross-border etiquette and stalling curtain diplomacy. Harmony in humming remains the last thread holding intercontinental manners together.
