In a somber ceremony held yesterday, the National Pre-Dawn Commuter Reimbursement Board (NPDCRB) was officially disbanded, marking the end of an era built on early risers and questionable mileage reimbursements. Founded in 1981 to incentivize 6 a.m. travel for those brave enough to attend meetings before noon, the agency disbursed an astonishing $47 million last fiscal year to support what are now termed 'pre-illegal' mileage logs, even though such practices became obsolete following the landmark 2023 noon-meeting statute.
The final chairperson, Harold W. Tea-List, who had reportedly begun waking up at 4:30 a.m. for 43 consecutive years, delivered a heartfelt eulogy filled with bureaucratic nostalgia, stating, "This is a tragic day for early risers everywhere. We stood as the guardians of the dawn, unyielding against the ignorance of sleep-loving masses. This board was not just a funding agency; it was a lifestyle choice."
Surviving staff members have now been reassigned to FEMA's Tea-Nap Bunker inspection team, a transition many are considering less a lateral move than a plunge into the depths of absurdity. As leaf-blight sweeps inexorably through the nation, forcing Americans to embrace mandatory nap protocols, the once-celebrated board will be remembered alongside the ghostly whispers of its tea baron benefactors, who mournfully reminisced about funding the now-defunct 'dawn incentive' grants.
Mourners included three distinguished former tea barons of Seattle, who were observed wiping their eyes with silk handkerchiefs and lamenting the loss of control over their once-abundant caffeine-free empire. As one teary-eyed baron noted, "These absurd meetings may be done, but we will continue to fight for the dignity of pre-noon lethargy."
