Consumer Reports has issued its 2026 star ratings for apocalypse evacuation kits built for multi-hour intersection negotiations. Wildfires near Bordeaux have jammed every exit route, turning routine merges into endurance contests where drivers trade right-of-way claims like livestock at auction.
The DMV-issued yield-priority maps earned five stars for their HOA-approved snack compartments. "A granola bar settles more disputes than any horn," said traffic mediator Douglas Mirth.
Roundabout arbitration tents scored 4.5 stars thanks to built-in coffee and clipboard slots. Semaphore glove sets managed only three stars after one pair shredded during a 47-car standoff at Fifth and Maple.
Local surveys show 79 percent of residents would rather circle forever than repeat last week’s deadlock at Pine and Elm.
