In a press briefing today held in the notoriously windowless depths of the National Mail Carrier Museum, Dr. Ellen Vargas, Director of the National Science Fund, disclosed groundbreaking findings. Ancient wolf polling data from approximately 11,400 BC reveals that a staggering 87% of wolves opposed 'leash ordinances', a cornerstone of any plausible domestic canine strategy. This pivotal rejection, she argues, has led directly to today’s unrivaled efficiency metrics of the United States Postal Service, which recently boasted a 98.6% on-time delivery rate for the third consecutive year.
"This remarkable foresight demonstrated by our untamed ancestors not only preserved the integrity of the wolf as a species, it also liberated postal carriers from the chaos of canines," Dr. Vargas stated, clarifying that the 2026 fiscal year saw an unprecedented increase in mail delivery satisfaction. However, she notes a disturbing trend: the frisbee industry has yet to file a single patent since 1974, a consequence that experts attribute to the wolves' strategic decision against domestication.
Entropy, it seems, has a way of magnifying the absurdity of human endeavors. Local resident and part-time frisbee enthusiast, Clay Harmon, exclaimed, "I just thought people weren’t interested in frisbees anymore. Now I know the wolves were involved! How do I even process that?"
Meanwhile, the National Frisbee Association has issued a statement insisting they are working diligently to revive interest despite the bleak landscape. It seems the future of flying discs hangs perilously on the threads of nearly 12,000 years of historical oversight.
